Bluebear the Animal Crossing face of evil… a ranty article…
Bluebear… peppy little bitch from “Animal Crossing Wild World”, yes, look into the face of evil. Beneath her lemon gingham / butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth / fuzzy looking self, lurks the heart of someone I am fairly sure is not only having a torrid affair with The Mayor of my town, but is also happy to rig events in her own favor.
Yes, it was The Flower Festival in town last week in Animal Crossing Wild World and I worked my butt off to ensure I would take the coveted award. I bought every flower Tom Nook had for sale in Nookington’s and I planted the entire area around my home. Things looked splendid, certainly my virtual green thumb expertise was to far outweigh all of the other residents in the town of Genovia.
Come the day the winners were posted on the community notice board, I knew my name would be there, I knew I had it in the bag. I had done a walk around the entire town, looking at everyone’s pallid efforts and smirked in no uncertain surety that I would soon be polishing the trophy at home, or chatting about my efforts to the rest of the townsfolk.
I read the noticeboard in utter disbelief…. “Bluebear is the winner of this years Flower Festival”…. WTF?!? There must be some mistake!! I saw Bluebear’s house and that bitch has about 5 lots of flowers, a couple of which look dry and un-watered. There is no recourse, the winner is the winner…. flashes of taking to Bluebear’s home and taking that trophy and turning her into a nice blue bear rug swam through my mind, but wait, this is Animal Crossing: Wild World, not Silent Hill… dammit.
I pondered what had occurred and then it hit me, twice I had run by the Town Hall and twice who did I see there milling about Mayor Tortimer…….. Bluebear! Oh sure, sure it was just a ‘friendly chat’, like the ones I had with him myself, about his old bones and how his little tortoise legs got tired from standing there day in day out. No… something is NOT right. Tortimer as Mayor decides the winner of the Flower Festival… and I’m convinced Bluebear, with those flirty little eyes and butter wouldn’t melt looks made sure old Tortimer was the one place a tortoise hates to be… unless it’s with a promiscuous blue bear… on his back!
Yeah innocent my ass!!!!
If you’re still not convinced, let me just whiz these Animal Crossing Wild World quotes by you, oh yeah… you know these are going to be good. These are from Bluebear herself:
“Too bad Tom Nook doesn’t sell magical boomerangs…”
Yeah Bluebear.. why? So you could throw them and go back a day and take back what you did you dirty slapper? Yeah Bluebear.. I have your number and I know how you won that trophy and it wasn’t by planting flowers!
And then there is the most damning evidence of all… Bluebear’s own official Animal Crossing Wild World quote… ready?:
“I enjoy tap dancing and raspberry jam!”
TAP dancing.. give me a break Bluebear, I know that’s a TYPO and it’s LAP dancing and strawberry jam.
I’ll get my own back, just you wait and see, next time Bluebear whines to me about how she’s not feeling well and she wishes she had a friend who would get her medicine from Nookington’s Department Store, I’ll just smirk and leave her there in her cold sweats (quite possibly brought on by something venereal in nature) and I’ll go to Tortimer and tell him to rush over to Nookington’s for her….. Tortoise’s aren’t known for their speed.
Bluebear waving image credit to Deviant Art user MarysLamb.
This post was written for my personal blog GirlyGamer.com.au in which I wax lyrical and out of key about TV, video games, tabletop games, technology and the weird world web. Visit it and leave comments there because lord knows I never check Tumblr and Posterous.
I have no idea what ‘Animal Crossing Wild World’ is but this post CRACKED ME UP! Too funny, mate … too funny!
Angela, I adore you. I laughed through this ENTIRE thing. Often times I wonder if you realize how truly hilarious you are but surely you must know this by now.
“I’ll just smirk and leave her there in her cold sweats (quite possibly brought on by something venereal in nature) and I’ll go to Tortimer and tell him to rush over to Nookington’s for her….. Tortoise’s aren’t known for their speed.”
That was just absolute genius. Now I’m going to be late for work because I stopped by to read this but I regret NOTHING. This has put me in a great mood for the rest of the day.
Here’s hoping that fickle bitch Bluebear gets what’s coming to her. Did she win any prize money along with this Flower trophy? Perhaps she should take her winnings and invest in some damn pants that two bit hussy.
You guys are awesome for leaving comments! Thank you!
Clearly me being a comedic genius and all is really underutilized, I’m like a female Chuck Lorre, only Australian, not Jewish, nowhere near as rich and Charlie Sheen doesn’t hate me.
You know Bluebear doesn’t wear pants!! Probably let the little Animal Crossing crosswind gently blow her skirt up as she walked by Tortimer that first time… memories of his youth raced through his mind, beating that rabbit in the athletics in college, when he outdid Achilles on the school debate team…. how could he possibly resist!
I’m still sore I lost and need to wait a whole real-time year to try again. On the upside, last night I did catch a seahorse and Blathers (the museum curator) seemed thrilled with the donation ;p
The was so funny. It has made me think about Animal Crossing City Folk (I don’t have the DS version, just the Wii version) in a whole other way.
Tortimer you dirty old dude. heh heh hoorf
Probably why he takes all those naps in the back of the Town Hall. Don’t think I haven’t seen him there.
Hahahahahaha, ok so on seeing your disappointment over losing the Flower Festival, I at first thought it was possible that this article was written as a revenge piece. However, on reading it, I realise that all these years, I’ve been thinking Animal Crossing was this safe, quiet, loving little town, when in reality it’s a place full of debauchery! I should have known better. Thank you for bringing it to my attention….. this is more like Wisteria Lane than Sesame Street! Great article.
Oh after our little chat about animal crossing on twitter yesterday… Now having read this, I REALLY want to play again. Having not played it since it was on gamecube only, and leaving the game to my ex boyfriend in the break up (I did not have a gamecube), it is a game I have sorely missed. I’m going to start saving TODAY! If anyone asks… This piece is why. Thanks for sharing your adventures poppit. I can’t wait to join.
“I enjoy tap dancing and raspberry jam!”
TAP dancing.. give me a break Bluebear, I know that’s a TYPO and it’s LAP dancing and strawberry jam.
ROFLOL
I bet you are right.
I think you’ve been playing Animal Crossing too long ROFLOL
hahahahahahahahhaha you totally bagged out blue bear. It’s so funny how we have our different favorite Animal Crossing characters and the villains who make our lives a misery. My worst is the characters who move even when you’ve done every chore for them, delivered every package, planted flowers at their house, brought them medicine etc. That’s happened to me loads of times.
I laughed hard, I will never look at Animal Crossing in the same way again girlygamer.
That has got to be the funniest Animal Crossing article I’ve read and I have hung out on a lot of Animal Crossing forums talkin a whole heap a Animal Crossing.
Wait til you see the new Animal Crossing 3d game, there’s no release date for Australia for Aninmal Crossing 3d but you can be sure it will be great and Bluebear will still be having her affair with Tortimer.
Oh yeah she will.
animal crossing is evil.
I knew it. thanks for the lols.
LOLSHMSFO That is funny. I think the little pig in my town is having an affair with one of the other characters. After reading this I am now going to place unhealthy lifestyles on my entire township. Next time some one move out, I know it will be coz they are going into winess protection program haahaahaahaahaahaahaahaa